


The Holy Dark

by galacticberries



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Asexual Castiel (Supernatural), Asexual Character, Asexual Sam Winchester, Asexuality Spectrum, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, M/M, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, watch as i aggressively project onto fictional characters.
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-05
Updated: 2018-09-05
Packaged: 2019-07-07 11:40:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,461
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15907551
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/galacticberries/pseuds/galacticberries
Summary: There was a time you let me know what was real and going on below, but now you never show it to me.





	The Holy Dark

**Author's Note:**

> Fic title and summary from Hallelujah, the Rufus Wainwright cover
> 
> Alt summary; And Sam was super gay and he said "Wow I'm super gay" and he ran around in a circle screaming
> 
> Thanks to dirkygoodness for being my beta!! Means a lot bro!

It was stupid, Sam knew this. It was stupid and embarrassing how close Sam wanted to be when it came to Cass. From the first time he met him, in that dingy motel room filled with the slight smell of ozone and Dean’s scowl from the background, he wanted to be close with something that good.

Even then, Sam had wanted nothing more than the feel of an angles hand wrapped around his. Maybe he’d only wanted it back then because he needed some proof that he was worthy of anything from above, anything good.

Or maybe he was just lonely.

Of course, back then, Cass had only obliged out of sheer pitty. It wasn’t like he tried to hide the disgust from his voice, or posture for that matter. Uriel looked as close to shocked as Sam had ever seen an angel get just from the sheer fact that Castiel had come towards Sam.

None of that mattered now, because now him and Cass were making-out in the back store room. Suck it.

Now, there was nothing but gentleness and comfort and love. Yeah, that’s right, Cass loved him. The petty part of Sam hoped that Uriel was rolling over in his angel grave but he would make do with the kissing an angel part.

So Sam allowed himself to be stupid and embarrassing sometimes because Cass didn’t mind, and really the kissing is a huge bonus. So normal research sessions with stiff personal boundaries evolved into flipping through ancient pages of dusty leather book while holding hands. Plans were formed in the comfort of each other’s personal bubbles. It wasn’t all work or hunting, but they didn’t go on dates either.

They went on ‘dates’. The nights off were spent lying in bed rewatching Star Wars, or Star Trek, or sometimes just trash TV. They were spent laughing at bad horror films or just laying next to each other. So they didn’t go out to eat or to theaters but neither Sam nor Cass were built for that level of formalities. Besides, Sam didn’t want anything like that anymore, maybe he never did. But maybe that was okay because he had never felt more comfortable in a relationship before - hell, he’d never felt more comfortable in his own skin.

Maybe that should have tipped him off, should have clued Sam in that the other shoe was about to drop. It was going to drop right smack in the middle of research.

It wasn’t how they normally did research and Sam honestly had no idea why he suggested they do it in his bedroom instead of the library but here he was sitting on his bed using his laptop, with his leg resting against Cass and his dusty old leather book. He had to admit it was far more comfortable then the stiff wooden chairs, even if he’d now be subjected to Dean waggling his eyebrows and saying, “ _So how went the ‘research’, Sammy? Bet you were hitting more than just the books_ ”, and probably copious amounts of, “ _if ya know what I mean_ ”s. Whatever, he was content with just sitting here.

Then Cass set his book down, leaned over, and kissed him.

Which is a lot better than books and laptops, if Sam’s expert opinion had any say here. The kiss was soft and sweet and gentle. In a word? It was wonderful.

Sam had no clue why he still managed to be blown away by how perfect kissing Cass always felt but it didn’t really matter. It continued to not matter as Cass’ hands slid from Sam’s cheeks to the nape of his neck. Sam moved to rest his hands on Cass’ hips as he gently guided him onto his lap. Cass then slid forward ever so slightly as he moved to deepen the kiss.

Sam took his time moving his hand up Cass’ back and into his hair, he also took his time ignoring the forgotten laptop falling with a thunk off the bed. He should probably be more concerned about it but it had survived Dean all these years so he doubted a less than a one foot drop off his bed would do much harm to the thing.

One moment everything is easy, everything is simply and familiar, almost routine, even. Then the next Cass is moving his hand down Sam’s chest and pushing him down, just as slow and gentle as he’s done everything else but.

But it’s different. Suddenly Sam has this tightness in his chest and he can feel his skin crawling and bile is rising in his throat and he doesn’t know why. Or maybe he does but he wish he didn’t. He wished he could lose himself in the warmth of Cass’ hands, the slight upturn to his lips as he kissed Sam, the feeling of Sam’s hand combing threw his hair.

But he can’t. He. Can’t. Because that goes places, leads them both down a dark tunnel.

It leads to an empty pit where Sam falls to fix his mistakes, a pit with fire and blood, a room full of sulfur and smoke, a forgotten lover choking on her own blood in his arms because he was too late, to grabbing his gun and pulling the trigger even though he wanted nothing more than to run away with her or maybe just run away, but he didn’t have a choice because maybe even back then his body wasn’t his.

It leads to him stealing a life that was never his to begin with, to him being alone with an pissed arcangel for 180 years while his body was being touched, used, and abused for a year and a half in ways he would never have done, but his body wasn’t his then.

It leads to being tied to a chair waking up from a nightmare that he can’t be upset because it wasn’t real but it felt so, so real. It felt real to the point he had to swallow his vomit and try not to think about how his body wasn’t his then and it isn’t now but. But. But-

“Sam?” Cass is staring down with bright blue eyes full of such concern, it almost makes Sam feel worse. “Are you okay?”

 _Yes_ , his mind supplies a list of excuses. _Sorry, I was just distracted. I was thinking about the case. I think I heard Dean knock._ While his body screamed its oppositions, _No, I’m not. No, no no. Never touch me there again. Never touch me again. Get away from me. Get off, let me go. No, no no no. Nonononono._

Instead his mouth goes with a witty, clever mixture of neither and he clams up. He pulls away slightly because he needs to think, catch his breath. He needs Cass to stop looking at him like that, like Sam is fragile and weak and might break. And, and maybe he needs to open up. Tell him everything but Sam can’t. He can’t because he refuses to watch concern morph into confusion, disgust, or pitty.

Cass just pulls away but keeps his hand hovering, “Sam, please, whats wrong? Is it- did I mess it up?”

“No!” Sam doesn’t even try to keep that down, because he won’t let Cass blame himself for Sam’s broken edges. “No, Cass, you’re fine. It’s fine.”

“Then what?” Cass says softly, in a way that a being with his strength doesn’t have the right to be.

Sam pushes himself up and leans into a pseudo hug as he rest his head on Cass’ shoulder. “Nothing.” he says, hardly above a whisper into Cass’ neck. “Nothing, I just. I just got freaked I guess. Not your fault”

“Okay, but its not yours either.” Cass says with a lot of determination for a guy who is still keeping his hands hovering right above Sam.

And Sam can’t help but snort at that, because of course it's his fault. Instead all he mumbles is a quiet, “Let's not be to sure about that.”

Cass finally pulls Sam closer, but not tighter. Resting his arms around Sam in a sure but not firm way. Giving Sam an out if he wanted it. If he wanted to pull away, to run. The small gesture hits Sam a little harder then it should and he tries to ignore that, like everything about this whole situation.

“Sam,” Cass starts “You are aware you can talk to me, correct?”

“Yeah, Cass, I know.”

“Do you also know that you don’t have to?” _Oh_. “Everything we do, you can say no. We’re in this together, every step of the way and you can- you can get off at any part. You have choice in this.”

Sam squeezes his eyes tight to keep the sudden burning back because that’s. That’s. He doesn’t know what to say, to think even.

He manages a shaky breath before he says anything. “It’s stupid though.” And embarrassing, but he doesn’t say that.

Cass is quiet for a moment before he continues, saying “Not to me.”

 _Damn it_ , Sam wants to say, _are you trying to get me to cry_?

He doesn’t, of course. Instead they just sit like that. Sam resting his head on Cass, arms wrapped around his own chest while Cass rubs small circles into his back. He lets his eyes drift closed and thinks he could stay like this forever. He could get lost in Cass and the peace of the moment. And the best part? Cass would let him.

Sam figures he should try for him, at least. “Years ago I would have loved that. Everything you did, but things changed. I changed.” Sam says, stopping to take a breath or several, maybe.

“Okay.” Cass says, as if that's all Sam needs to say. Hell, maybe it is but he wants to say more. Wants to make sure Cass understands and wants to not have these thoughts banging on his skull all the time.

“I don’t know if it was because of Luci-” Sam inhales sharply “Lucifer, or if it was Meg, or all the time I was soulless, maybe a combination of all of it. All I know is I got memories of me being touched, of me touching people who I don’t know and I never will. I had to give a yes I never wanted to say or I never had a choice at all and-” _And that was before Toni_.

“And what, Sam?” Cass asks, not forcibly but Sam can hear the concerned strain in it.

Sam had never told anyone, not Dean, not his mom, and certainly not Cass, all the gory details about his time with Toni but now they threaten to spill out. Now he can’t stop thinking about the dream, the hallucination. Though, he could. He could tell him. It feels easier now that he can’t see Cass’ live reactions to what he says.

“When I was with Toni she-” Sam tries to finish but he chokes on his own words and now he’s really fighting to keep his eyes dry but Cass’ body around him goes rigid and his grip tightens slightly.

“Sam. Sam, what did she do?” Sam can feel the forced calm that Cass has in his voice and it makes him feel a little sick.

And Sam could tell him everything, wants to, even. He could tell him how awful he felt after, Sam could tell him about the bile in his throat and the smugness on her face, and the ‘ _Was it good for you_ ’s and the fear he felt as he croaked out a broken ‘ _What did you do to me?_ ’ He could even tell him about fear he feels now.

All he can managed is a strained, “It wasn’t real.” And then Cass pulls him into a full hug and Sam can’t stop himself as his arms spring around Cass’ middle and he tries so hard to pretend that he’s not sobbing, that his voice is steady and he's not clinging to Cass with all his strength.

“It didn’t really happen but she made me- she made me. But it wasn’t real. It was a halluci- hallucination, not real. She. She forced me to have- it wasn’t real. It wasn’t- It wasn’t real. It-”

Suddenly Sam has hands on his shoulder and crystal clear blue eyes staring at him as Cass says, “It doesn’t have to be physical for it to be real; it doesn’t have to be physical for it to hurt.”

And then Sam really starts crying.

~

It’s a while before Sam gets his breathing under control and they go back to the peaceful moment from before. Sam sitting in front of Castiel, arms wrapped around each other on his bed with his laptop and research long forgotten on the floor, as Sam rests his head on Cass again. Sam is still is the one who breaks the silence.

“So-” Sam starts, stops and tries again. “So you’re okay with this? With us never doing… that?”

Cass shuffles around him a bit before answering “I am okay with it. I’ve never had a physical desire to, even when I was human.”

“Then why did you want to now?” Sam says, trying to wrap his head around it.

Sam feels Cass shrug as he says “I like making you happy and I thought that would, I don’t want to but I don’t not want to either.” Cass pauses for a split second, “Does that make sense?”

“Yeah, Cass. Yeah it does.” Sam says, laughing a little because here Cass is, a being so powerful he can and has killed people with a wave of his hand and yet he is still insecure about something so mundane as his sexuality. It feels nice.

“I’ve never had this before, I’ve never had something that wasn’t a ploy. A manipulation to get me closer to him. To Lucifer.” Sam says, he even gets through it all without crying. “I’ve never had someone who was just there because they wanted to be, without some awful complication. Without the other shoe.”

“Why didn’t they wear both shoes, Sam?” Cass askes, so earnestly. 

And Sam laughs, real and full. “It’s a saying Cass.”

“Ah.”

~

It’s another 4 hours before Sam and Cass leave the bedroom make their way to the kitchen, where they see Dean leaning over the stove. He’s cooking something, what Sam can’t tell. It doesn’t smell bad, though.

“So, you do anything other than ‘research’ while you were in there?” Dean asks, smirking as he leans over his shoulder to look at them.

“Well,” Cass starts, and in that moment Sam knows he’s going to say something incredibly stupid, incredibly embarrassing, and incredibly perfect.

“We also snuggled.”

**Author's Note:**

> This is the first fic I’ve ever actually finished so that’s fun! I honestly have no idea why I had inspiration for this but nothing else ;^; all I did was listen to Hallelujah on repeat, hence the title and shit.
> 
> For clarification, I headcannon Sam as trauma ace and Cass as somewhere on the ace spectrum.


End file.
